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Shopping at Express

May 5, 2009

Normally, I tend to shy away from any clothing store that plays techno music, but I have to admit that the only place to go for a new pair of pants is Express, specifically the one at the Pentagon City Mall.  In case you haven’t tried on a pair, Express Producer Pants are made of a material that has the remarkable ability to make your ass look fantastic.  I think its a blend of cotton, rayon, and awesome.  Not sure about the cotton.  The other reason to shop at Express is that it’s probably the closest I’ll ever get to an Asian brothel.  Seriously.  Have you ever been in that store!  It’s nothing but young (legal disclaimer – young equals 21 or older!), really attractive women wearing the least amount of clothing possible while still not being considered in your underwear / naked.  The best though is the store manager – while all of the sales people are young, the manager appears to be mid-twenties (I know, a veritable dinosaur by Express standards) but it’s her outfits that really complete the Asian brothel image.  This woman is always dressed to the nines, and it is always something that straddles the line between ‘sexy college professor’ and ‘madame.’  I mean, she alone is responsible for about 25% of the cleavage in the entire mall!  When she welcomes me into the store I feel as though I’m being led into a private VIP lounge – and the fact that the changing rooms are in the back doesn’t help either! Whenver one of the sales staff asks me if they can help me with my pants I have to make sure they’re not referring to the pair I’m wearing!  My point here is this – Go to the Pentagon City Express!  Just make sure to knock three times on the door, and, while exhibiting the proper amount of discretion, ask them, “Perhaps you can help me find a new pair of pants…”

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