Metro riders to watch out for

October 28, 2009

After getting stuck sitting next to an asshole who wouldn’t move over for the second day in a row, I’ve decided to create a top 5 enemies list of whom to avoid sitting next to on the metro.  Here we go:

5.  Fat guys.  Even if they want to move over they just can’t.

4.  Guys with large bags on their laps.  Apparently if your bag is large enough it actually counts as a rider.  (Hey, there’s an idea to reduce Metro’s deficit – charge for bags!) The other day I saw a guy who put his big bag on the inside seat and then sat on the outside seat so he could lean over his bag, read his paper, and piss off everyone who saw him.

3.  Guys who look like they just leapt off the pages of GQ.  Anyone who spends that much time making themselves pretty is too self absorbed to even think about sharing the seat.

2.  Anyone reading the ‘Examiner.’  These self-proclaimed bastions of independent (i.e. conservative) thought will be so caught up reading about realist theory that they will see it as their patriotic duty to make you work for that extra space.  Don’t even bother trying to argue with them, all these guys respect is force.  Unless you’re prepared to get into a pretty heated shoving contest, look somewhere else.

1.  Anyone wearing an Air Force uniform.  Aside from being the poodles of the military doghouse, these guys just suck.  Between the flight suits they wear (even if they’ve never stepped foot in an airplane) and the tiger stripe camouflage (great for jungle incursions into Cambodia, less useful for Crystal City) these guys’ self-confidence is so low that they will take affront to any perceived attempt to further emasculate them.  If you’re looking to share a seat with an Air force guy (or gal, they suck too!), I guarantee they will not budge one inch. 

There it is, my own personal metro enemies list.  I guarantee if you keep these people in mind you’ll save yourself a lot of unnecessary back pain as you try to fold yourself into a seat.  Up next, top 5 metro suckers!

One comment

  1. I think any time you say “guy” it can apply to women, too. Sometimes I think the women can be worse because some of them think they deserve the seat because they are a woman. Though I have to say in metro riders’ defense that there are people who do stand rather than sit on a mostly full metro so someone else can have the seat. There are people who get up to offer elderly or crazed parents with small children their seat. Heck, I’ve even had a gentleman offer me his seat just because he’s a guy and I’m a gal!

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