Everywhere you look you see the results of overzealous, don’t-contribute-anything-to-society soccer moms: Playgrounds made out of plastic that are so safe as to take all the fun out of recess; day care centers where there are more disinefecant wipes than crayons; kids attached to their parents via A LEASH. All of these things lead to one inescapable conclusion – kids today are pussies. I’m not saying it’s their fault, it’s not, it’s the fault of their parents, but that still doesn’t negate the fact that in the end, these kids are giant pussies. I cringe at the thought of what America will be like in 30 years when these pussies take over and are responsible for shit. It ain’t gonna be pretty. But here’s the good news: Compared to the rest of generation P, my kids are going to look like supermen! My plan is to get a house with a big enough back yard that I can go and buy / build all the old playground equipment that I loved to play on when I was growing up – no fancy colors, nothing plastic, just good old fashion steel bars welded together into some sort of monkey cage that stood 15 feet off the ground. I loved that thing.
We used to play bar tag on that sucker, and the only rule was that you couldn’t touch the ground. Sure, a lot of kids cried and I probably did long-term damage to my knees from constantly jumping off the top of that thing, but you know what – it taught you how to sack up and be a man. I’m sick of kids today being rewarded for every stupid thing they do – we don’t need the religious right to oppose Darwin’s theory of evolution, the ultra liberals are doing just fine on their own! By making it seem like everyone is equal, we are robbing our kids of the opportunity to learn that everyone is NOT equal. I know, I know, it’s shocking to hear, but it’s the truth. And what better place for your kids to learn that some people are better at some things than others than on the playground? So, when my future kids start to develop their motor skills I’m going to make sure they have access to the most death-defying playground equipment available – the spinner that taught you about centrifugal force (and vomit), the monkey bars that taught you about gravity, the metal slides that taught you about thermodynamics, and the giant wooden structures that taught you about splinters – and if I can’t find any, I’ll go to Home Depot, buy some iron beams, weld that shit together, and build it myself. Kids need to hurt themselves if they ever want to learn – what’s the best way to learn not to put your hands in the fire – it’s by putting your hands in the fire! That kid will learn pretty damn quick that putting ones hand in the fire is not a good idea! So here’s what I say to all those yuppies out there who spray everything down with disinfectant (and then wonder why their kids are allergic to everything), won’t let their kids play on playground equipment that isn’t covered in foam padding, and think that you deserve a star just for showing up to class – keep it up! Because when those kids are all grown up, they’ll still be giant pussies, and my kids will kick their ass.