The lunch time tension in my office has just escalated. If there was a doomsday clock for deli meats, it would be set at five minutes to midnight. Historically, my sandwiches reigned supreme and were the undisputed unipolar power in the office. No one could hope to achieve parity with my hearty ciabatta rolls containing ample portions of corned beef, hard salami, pepper jack cheese, and horseradish sauce. The intoxicating odor emanating from the microwave when I heated up my sandwich so as to lightly melt the cheese was so overpowering that all those whose olfactory senses were stimulated knew that they could only dream of one day achieving such power. But now there is a challenger. My new boss, ‘inspired’ by my sandwich creations, has stepped up production of his own sandwiches and is now attempting to create a bi-polar office in which the two dominant sandwich makers compete for resources and control. Further complicating the situation is the guy in the cubicle next to me who is also investing more time and energy into his sandwiches, thereby threatening to turn the entire office into a (gasp!) multipolar setting. Nothing good can come of this. Bipolar is fine, but the last time there was a multipolar setting the result was World War I! Bipolar works for awhile, but if history has taught us anything, it’s that the only way to maintain piece and stability amongst the lunch time crowd is to establish a firm and overpowering unipolar sandwich. It’s time to step up my game, time to stop resting on my laurels and time to step up to the plate (actually, I wrap my sandwich in aluminum foil, but that’s besides the point). It’s time to bust out the pickles.
I should probably tell my wife.